Help!
The offer of help is a gift given to everyone involved.
I need somebody
(Help) not just anybody
(Help) you know I need someone, help
…
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, ooh
Even if you’re not one of the Beatles, at some point, we’ve all needed help. Even the most self sufficient among us did not change their own diaper when they were infants—and probably won’t again when old age overtakes them. Far too often, however, we treat “help” as if it’s a 4-letter word (which it is… but it also isn’t—you know what I mean).
We often don’t realize that we struggle with needing help. It's one of those things that just kind of low-key operates in our minds where it either remains low-key or can grow overtime and really become a bit of a problem. It pops up when we try to be polite—like when you’re trying to carry a bunch of things into a building and someone offers to help, but you decline the offer because you don’t want to impose. We also see it when we are really focused or driven to achieving a goal. I think of this when I recall my friend trying to cook 4 dishes at once, clearly stressed, but also very much in ‘the zone.’ She would have definitely benefited from someone lending a hand, but when the offer was gently made, the response was a polite version of ‘get the hell out of my kitchen.’
More directly, and perhaps the biggest culprit of refusing a helping hand is the ego. There are plenty of times where we want to do something entirely on our own. We want to have sole ownership of an outcome, and we want to look back and bask in the fact that we didn’t need anyone’s help.
But the truth of the matter is that human beings are not solitary creatures. We exist in families (of various shapes and structures); we exist in societies; and none of us could have the lives we live without a ton of other human beings. Even those things that we think we accomplish entirely on our own are, in fact, the result of many people’s efforts. Would you really have been able to accomplish your goal were it not for the influence and guiding hand of the parents and teachers who raised and taught you? Would you really have been able to achieve what you achieved were it not for tools (invented and made by other people) that you needed along the way? The answer is, of course, no. You got help you didn’t ask for without realizing it.
“...it’s really important that we ‘flip the script’ on the idea of help.”
This sort of help is so widespread and accepted that we don’t even recognize it as help 99% of the time. And thats why our egos are fine with it. But if we drill down a bit, and we really look at the ego’s role in all of this we quickly meet up with ego’s best friend, insecurity. Those two are frequently inseparable and neither one really helps the other be their best self. And the two often team up to make us actively feel bad or ashamed when we need help.
Whenever any kind of barrier arises that keeps us from receiving help, bad things happen. We struggle more. And even worse, we are more isolated. If someone offers you help and you say no, chances are that you’re going to have to work harder and longer than you would have otherwise, and the person that offered to help you is now shut out of some interactions with you. If you had accepted their help, however, you may have accomplished your goal a bit faster or in a new way that you hadn’t thought of. And you would have had the company of and connection to a human that cares. This dynamic applies both to innocuous offers of help—like carrying or moving something—as well as major life events like significant emotional struggles, job searches, parenting, and, and, and.
“...if someone offers you help, it’s not a declaration of your own insufficiency. It’s very much the opposite—a firm statement that you are worthy, valued, and will succeed.”
At the end of the day, it’s really important that we ‘flip the script’ on the idea of help. You can kind of see this bubbling around in what you just read in the lines above, but if you think about it. People don’t offer their help unless they believe in you. We all covet our time and energy these days, and if someone is willing to share those precious resources with you it really means something. Whether they’re holding the door for you, or helping you out of a truly dark place, if people offer their help, it's because they care enough to want your world to be better in some way.
And if you take a look around in this world and try to really notice, you find that people only invest (money, time, energy, etc.) in things they believe in. I give to a number of charities because I believe in the work they do. I buy from local grocery stores because I believe in the power of local communities and small business. You probably have parallel decision making happening in your life. And to be sure, I help people because I want them to succeed.
Ultimately, we help others because in some way, we believe in them and want them to succeed. We feel good when we get to be a part of that success—whether its watching them walk through a door we just held open for them or watch them walk again for the first time in 6 months after a car wreck. Ergo, if someone offers you help, it’s not a declaration of your own insufficiency. It’s very much the opposite—a firm statement that you are worthy, valued, and will succeed.
I am grateful for you, reader.
Helping helps the helper. There’s growth there (even if it’s tiny and incremental). And likewise, if they are open to understanding what an offer of help truly is, the person receiving help benefits two fold—they are helped and they are valued. And who couldn’t use some of that?
On one final note, I personally want to thank everyone who has helped me at any time, ever—neither of us would be who we are today if you hadn’t, and I am deeply grateful for it.